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Drawer11Part2.txt
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5438 lines (3909 loc) · 168 KB
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Smithsonian Institution
National Museum of American History
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Extracted on Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
The Smithsonian Institution thanks all digital volunteers that transcribed and reviewed this material. Your work
enriches Smithsonian collections, making them available to anyone with an interest in using them.
The Smithsonian Institution welcomes personal and educational use of its collections unless otherwise noted;
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If sharing the material in personal and educational contexts, please cite the National Museum of American
History as source of the content and the project title as provided at the top of the document. Include the
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If you wish to use this material in a for-profit publication, exhibition, or online project, please contact National
Museum of American History or transcribe@si.edu
For more information on this project and related material, contact the National Museum of American History. See
this project and other collections in the Smithsonian Transcription Center.
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD
PHB
22/OCT/1992
NEIGHBORHOOD IS SO ROUGH-- THE ONLY FORM OF
TRANSPORTATION WAS A STRETCHER.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
PHB
22/OCT/1992
UPITY NEIGHBOR- YOU KNOW WHO DOES HER LAWN, VIDAL
SASSOON.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORHOOD
Neighborhood is so rough -- the only form of transportation was a
stretcher.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
Current Comedy
21/OCT/1991
THIS IS A ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD. PEOPLE DON'T ASK YOU FOR
THE TIME, THEY TAKE YOUR WATCH.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBOR
BILL OWENS
22/JUN/1988
MY NEIGHBOR DOES LOOK A LITTLE SPACED-OUT. PICTURE ALF
IN CURLERS.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
23/JAN/1985
OUR NEIGHBOR GOT SOME GOOD NEWS LAST WEEK. SHE
FOUND OUT HER HUSBAND IS STILL ALIVE. AFTER THE SUPER
BOWL, HE GOT UP.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
23/MAY/1985
OUR NEIGHBORS NEVER WORRY WHEN THEY LEAVE THEIR
HOUSE BECAUSE THEY HAVE SOMETHING THAT'S REALLY
INTIMIDATING - A 95 POUND GERMAN SHEPHERD THAT WAS
RAISED BY BETTE DAVIS.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
Robert Bruce
APR 1983
The woman next door to me is so obsessed with housecleaning, she not
only washes the windows - she irons them.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS - WOMAN DOWNSTAIRS
Tom Padovano
Jan/1983
Her hair keeps getting in her eyes -- from her eyes.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Diller
Nov/1982
(High hedge snooty neighborhood) The gardener trims it from a
helicoptor.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Neighborhood
Phyllis Diller
NOV/1982
(High hedge snooty neighborhood) The gardener trims it from a
helicoptor.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
SEP/1982
Our neighbor, Mrs. Uppity, just had another garage sale. By invitation
only.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
PAUL BATSON
SEP/1982
The Woman next door - does everything in a small way - she had one
twin.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
ORBENS' CURRENT COMEDY
9/SEP/1982
Our neighbor said when her husband dies, she's going to have him
stuffed, and put on the living room couch. Then I'll turn on the TV to a
baseball game, talk to him -- and he won't answer. It will be just like he
never left."
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
TOM PEREW
AUG/1982
My neighbor is such a PHONEY! She talks about her wine celler. She
lives in a trailer.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
AUG/1982
Our neighbor's parakeet got loose. I don't know how to tell them our cat
found it.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
25/FEB/1982
All my neighbors are nothing but junkies. I have to have a sign in my
living room that says, "Thank you for not smoking the drapes."
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
25/FEB/1982
There are no sidewalks where I live. No one touches the ground long
enough to use them.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
25/FEB/1982
Every house has a driveway. It's used as a landing strip.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
25/FEB/1982
THE KIDS NEXT DOOR ARE SO HIGH. THEY CAN WALK ACROSS
FRESH CEMENT AND LEAVE NO FOOTPRINTS.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
25/FEB/1982
WHEN THEY GO IN THE HOUSE, THEY TRACK MUD ACROSS THE
CEILING.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
BARRY REEVES
APR/1982
MY NEIGHBOR WANTED THE RECIPE FOR MY GRAVY. HE WAS
GOING TO PAINT HIS GARAGE.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN
5/MAY/1982
HE FOUND OUT HIS WIFE IS INTO LEATHER AND WANTS TO HURT
HIM. SHE OPENED A CHARGE ACCOUNT AT GUCCI'S.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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NEIGHBOR
PHYLLIS GAGS (By: JOEY ADAMS
APR/1982
Pessimist: My neighbor says: "If you have to have your eyes examined
to get a driver's license - you should have your head examined before
you get a marriage license."
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
TOM PEREW
14/APR/1982
My neighbor's the kind who saves time on housework. Last night, she
wrote her suicide note in shorthand.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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NEIGHBORS
PAUL BATSON
JAN/1982
My neighbor had a bumper crop - I hit her petunia.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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NEIGHBORS
WENDEL PORTER
JAN/1982
The woman next door flipped her lid -- she took an overdose of birth
control pills and all her children disappeared.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
TOM PEREW
JAN/1982
Why should I wash the windows? I've seen the neighbors.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
ORBEN
21/OCT/1981
The only way she's going to get to heaven -- is to die under an assumed
name.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
John Thiel
JUN/1981
At their garage sale everything was $5 or less - the cars went first.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
L.E. Peters
03/AUG/1981
Our neighbor, Mrs. Uppity, throws a party on any occasion. I felt silly --
singing Happy Birthday to her rose bush.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
3/AUG/1981
That old neighbor of ours, Mrs. Snoop -- I just know she's watching me
through her window with binoculars. Last night I was knitting. She called
and told me I dropped a stitch.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
3/AUG/1981
Our neighbor, Mrs. Uppity, is never satisfied. Three times this year,
she's redecorated -- the attic.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
3/AUG/1981
She has her lawn done by Vidal Sassoon.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
3/AUG/1981
Our neighbor, Mrs. Showoff, did it again. Sterling silver tinsel on the
Christmas tree,
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
ORBEN
3/APR/1981
I'll tell you how bad things are. We gave our neighbor an Easter Bunny
and on Easter Sunday I called them up and asked, "How is it?" They
said, "Delicious!"
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
(RE: PD)
CF: ROAST JOKES
JOHN P. SHEA
22/APR/1981
She said her neighbors threw rocks through her front window so the
could hear her better.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04
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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
NEIGHBORS
BURT BROWN
MAR/1981
(She thinks) or (He thinks) a car pool is a station wagon with a hot tub in
the back.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
APR/1980
Our neighbors -- the Snob Family -- keep trying to show us up. They
have seven telephones -- in their kid's treehouse.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
DEBRA K. MORAN
MAR/1980
One day my neighbor's pet rat bit me. I called my doctor and said,
"Doctor! A rat bit me!" He said, "I'll send an ambulance-- meanwhile,
give him milk and keep him warm."
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
MAY/1980
That woman next door is always late. She took a get-well card to a
funeral.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
APR/1980
Our neighbor's kid is weird. I though he was flying a kite. He was
exercising his pet bat.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
PAUL BATSON
8/FEB/1980
My acidhead neighbor's dog was on the roof, he went up and threw her
off. I said, "Why did you do that?" He said, "She's afraid of heights."
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN"S
16/JAN/1980
I live in an Italian neighborhood. A real Italian neighborhood. For
instance, right now the Baskin-Robbins Flavor -of-the-month is Garlic..
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN"S
7/NOV/1979
My family lives in a very tough neighborhood. My Cousin Eddie is the
oldest living graduate of his class. Now that may not sound like much to
you, but he graduated last June!
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN
17/DEC/1979
Everynight, if I hear a noise, I play a tape recording of a vicious dog
barking. Haven't had a decent night's sleep in six monts. Then this
morning I found out what that noise is. It's my neighbor playing his tape
recording of a burglar!
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
DETOURS
4/OCT/1979
An apartment is a place where you start to turn off the radio and find you
are listening to a neighbor"s.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN'S
23/SEP/1979
My neighbor called me up at two o'clock in the morning to complain
about my dog barking. So today I bought one.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
ED PERKINS
APR/1979
Fang invited our new neighbors over for crocktails.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
ED PERKINS
APR/1979
We have perfect neighbors.- They don't have loud parties. They don't
borrow anything. They don't have pets or kids. It's really nice -- living
next door to the cemetery.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Love thy neighbor (funny premise).
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976
Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Someone told my neighbor's wife her
husband's a philanderer. She said, "So what's wrong with collecting
stamps?"
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBOR
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976
Our neighbor claims that 1776 really gave him his freedom. That was
the hotel room his wife caught him in with a blond.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Orben Gags
APR/1976
NOISY AUDIENCE: I just got a disturbing note from the poeple next
door asking us to be more quiet. What makes it so disturbing it's a
bowling alley.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBOR
ORBEN GAGS
JUL/1977
The other day my neighbor was complaining about his wife. "John, I'm
worried. She spends a lot of time talking to flowers." I said, "So what? A
lot of people talk to flowers." He said, "on wall paper?"
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBOR
ORBEN GAGS
JUL/1977
Our neighbors are really a fun couple. She spends all her time dolling up
and he spends all his time jogging. We call them sweety and sweaty.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Carol Ynsua
APR/1976
There's this one lady in our club who is so tacky---when she dies she'll
probably come back as a rummage sale.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
17/DEC/1968
I have the world's grouchiest neighbor. We knew she was going to be
trouble right from the beginning. She tore down her picket fence and put
up sand bags.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968
She has the only welcome mat on the block that has to be kept on a
leash.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
17/DEC/1986
She really is against her neighbors. She tore down her drapes and put
up iron curtains.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Gene Perret
December 17, 1968
She slams her door so much -- every year her house is a foot and a half
closer to the street.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968
Even the newsboy won't go near her. He calls on the phone and reads
her the paper.
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968
She brought a fierce German Shepherd to keep visitors away. But when
the dog saw how ferocious she was, he turned in his teeth and became
a missionary in a cat house. (or....in a home for wayward cats.)
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968
She's very spiteful. Have you ever had the cops come to your door and
tell you to stop snoring?
Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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