Drawer11Part2.txt

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Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD
PHB
22/OCT/1992
NEIGHBORHOOD IS SO ROUGH-- THE ONLY FORM OF
TRANSPORTATION WAS A STRETCHER.

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NEIGHBORS
PHB
22/OCT/1992
UPITY NEIGHBOR- YOU KNOW WHO DOES HER LAWN, VIDAL
SASSOON.

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NEIGHBORHOOD
Neighborhood is so rough -- the only form of transportation was a
stretcher.

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NEIGHBORS
Current Comedy
21/OCT/1991
THIS IS A ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD. PEOPLE DON'T ASK YOU FOR
THE TIME, THEY TAKE YOUR WATCH.

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NEIGHBOR
BILL OWENS
22/JUN/1988
MY NEIGHBOR DOES LOOK A LITTLE SPACED-OUT. PICTURE ALF
IN CURLERS.

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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
23/JAN/1985
OUR NEIGHBOR GOT SOME GOOD NEWS LAST WEEK. SHE
FOUND OUT HER HUSBAND IS STILL ALIVE.  AFTER THE SUPER
BOWL, HE GOT UP.

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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN'S CURRENT COMEDY
23/MAY/1985
OUR NEIGHBORS NEVER WORRY WHEN THEY LEAVE THEIR
HOUSE BECAUSE THEY HAVE SOMETHING THAT'S REALLY
INTIMIDATING - A 95 POUND GERMAN SHEPHERD THAT WAS
RAISED BY BETTE DAVIS.

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NEIGHBORS
Robert Bruce
APR 1983
The woman next door to me is so obsessed with housecleaning, she not
only washes the windows - she irons them.

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NEIGHBORS - WOMAN DOWNSTAIRS
Tom Padovano
Jan/1983
Her hair keeps getting in her eyes -- from her eyes.

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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Diller
Nov/1982
(High hedge snooty neighborhood) The gardener trims it from a
helicoptor.

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Neighborhood
Phyllis Diller
NOV/1982
(High hedge snooty neighborhood) The gardener trims it from a
helicoptor.

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NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
SEP/1982

Our neighbor, Mrs. Uppity, just had another garage sale. By invitation
only.

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NEIGHBORS
PAUL BATSON
SEP/1982

The Woman next door - does everything in a small way - she had one
twin.

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NEIGHBORS
ORBENS' CURRENT COMEDY
9/SEP/1982

Our neighbor said when her husband dies, she's going to have him
stuffed, and put on the living room couch. Then I'll turn on the TV to a
baseball game, talk to him -- and he won't answer. It will be just like he
never left."

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NEIGHBORS
TOM PEREW
AUG/1982

My neighbor is such a PHONEY! She talks about her wine celler. She
lives in a trailer.

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NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
AUG/1982

Our neighbor's parakeet got loose. I don't know how to tell them our cat
found it.

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NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
25/FEB/1982

All my neighbors are nothing but junkies. I have to have a sign in my
living room that says, "Thank you for not smoking the drapes."

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NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
25/FEB/1982

There are no sidewalks where I live. No one touches the ground long
enough to use them.

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NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
25/FEB/1982

Every house has a driveway. It's used as a landing strip.

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NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
25/FEB/1982
THE KIDS NEXT DOOR ARE SO HIGH.  THEY CAN WALK ACROSS
FRESH CEMENT AND LEAVE NO FOOTPRINTS.

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NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
25/FEB/1982
WHEN THEY GO IN THE HOUSE, THEY TRACK MUD ACROSS THE
CEILING.

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NEIGHBORS
BARRY REEVES
APR/1982
MY NEIGHBOR WANTED THE RECIPE FOR MY GRAVY.  HE WAS
GOING TO PAINT HIS GARAGE.

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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN
5/MAY/1982
HE FOUND OUT HIS WIFE IS INTO LEATHER AND WANTS TO HURT
HIM.  SHE OPENED A CHARGE ACCOUNT AT GUCCI'S.

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NEIGHBOR
PHYLLIS GAGS (By: JOEY ADAMS
APR/1982

Pessimist: My neighbor says: "If you have to have your eyes examined
to get a driver's license - you should have your head examined before
you get a marriage license."

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NEIGHBORS
TOM PEREW
14/APR/1982

My neighbor's the kind who saves time on housework. Last night, she
wrote her suicide note in shorthand.

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NEIGHBORS
PAUL BATSON
JAN/1982

My neighbor had a bumper crop - I hit her petunia.

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NEIGHBORS
WENDEL PORTER
JAN/1982

The woman next door flipped her lid -- she took an overdose of birth
control pills and all her children disappeared.

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NEIGHBORS
TOM PEREW
JAN/1982

Why should I wash the windows? I've seen the neighbors.

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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN
21/OCT/1981
The only way she's going to get to heaven -- is to die under an assumed
name.

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NEIGHBORS
John Thiel
JUN/1981
At their garage sale everything was $5 or less - the cars went first.

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NEIGHBORS
L.E. Peters
03/AUG/1981
Our neighbor, Mrs. Uppity, throws a party on any occasion. I felt silly --
singing Happy Birthday to her rose bush.

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NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
3/AUG/1981

That old neighbor of ours, Mrs. Snoop -- I just know she's watching me
through her window with binoculars. Last night I was knitting. She called
and told me I dropped a stitch.

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NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
3/AUG/1981

Our neighbor, Mrs. Uppity, is never satisfied. Three times this year,
she's redecorated -- the attic.

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NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
3/AUG/1981

She has her lawn done by Vidal Sassoon.

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NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
3/AUG/1981

Our neighbor, Mrs. Showoff, did it again. Sterling silver tinsel on the
Christmas tree,

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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN
3/APR/1981

I'll tell you how bad things are. We gave our neighbor an Easter Bunny
and on Easter Sunday I called them up and asked, "How is it?" They
said, "Delicious!"

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NEIGHBORS
(RE: PD)
CF: ROAST JOKES
JOHN P. SHEA
22/APR/1981

She said her neighbors threw rocks through her front window so the
could hear her better.

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NEIGHBORS
BURT BROWN
MAR/1981

(She thinks) or (He thinks) a car pool is a station wagon with a hot tub in
the back.

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NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
APR/1980

Our neighbors -- the Snob Family -- keep trying to show us up. They
have seven telephones -- in their kid's treehouse.

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NEIGHBORS
DEBRA K. MORAN
MAR/1980

One day my neighbor's pet rat bit me. I called my doctor and said,
"Doctor! A rat bit me!" He said, "I'll send an ambulance-- meanwhile,
give him milk and keep him warm."

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NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
MAY/1980

That woman next door is always late. She took a get-well card to a
funeral.

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NEIGHBORS
L.E. PETERS
APR/1980

Our neighbor's kid is weird. I though he was flying a kite. He was
exercising his pet bat.

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NEIGHBORS
PAUL BATSON
8/FEB/1980

My acidhead neighbor's dog was on the roof, he went up and threw her
off. I said, "Why did you do that?" He said, "She's afraid of heights."

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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN"S
16/JAN/1980

I live in an Italian neighborhood. A real Italian neighborhood. For
instance, right now the Baskin-Robbins Flavor -of-the-month is Garlic..

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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN"S
7/NOV/1979

My family lives in a very tough neighborhood. My Cousin Eddie is the
oldest living graduate of his class. Now that may not sound like much to
you, but he graduated last June!

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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN
17/DEC/1979

Everynight, if I hear a noise, I play a tape recording of a vicious dog
barking.  Haven't had a decent night's sleep in six monts.  Then this
morning I found out what that noise is.  It's my neighbor playing his tape
recording of a burglar!

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NEIGHBORS
DETOURS
4/OCT/1979

An apartment is a place where you start to turn off the radio and find you
are listening to a neighbor"s.

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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN'S
23/SEP/1979

My neighbor called me up at two o'clock in the morning to complain
about my dog barking. So today I bought one.

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NEIGHBORS
ED PERKINS
APR/1979

Fang invited our new neighbors over for crocktails.

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NEIGHBORS
ED PERKINS
APR/1979

We have perfect neighbors.- They don't have loud parties. They don't
borrow anything. They don't have pets or kids. It's really nice -- living
next door to the cemetery.

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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

Love thy neighbor (funny premise).

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NEIGHBORS
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976

Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Someone told my neighbor's wife her
husband's a philanderer. She said, "So what's wrong with collecting
stamps?"

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NEIGHBOR
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976

Our neighbor claims that 1776 really gave him his freedom. That was
the hotel room his wife caught him in with a blond.

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Neighbors
Orben Gags
APR/1976

NOISY AUDIENCE: I just got a disturbing note from the poeple next
door asking us to be more quiet. What makes it so disturbing it's a
bowling alley.

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NEIGHBOR
ORBEN GAGS
JUL/1977
The other day my neighbor was complaining about his wife. "John, I'm
worried. She spends a lot of time talking to flowers." I said, "So what? A
lot of people talk to flowers." He said, "on wall paper?"

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NEIGHBOR
ORBEN GAGS
JUL/1977

Our neighbors are really a fun couple. She spends all her time dolling up
and he spends all his time jogging. We call them sweety and sweaty.

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Neighbors
Carol Ynsua
APR/1976

There's this one lady in our club who is so tacky---when she dies she'll
probably come back as a rummage sale.

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NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
17/DEC/1968

I have the world's grouchiest neighbor. We knew she was going to be
trouble right from the beginning. She tore down her picket fence and put
up sand bags.

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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968

She has the only welcome mat on the block that has to be kept on a
leash.

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NEIGHBORS
GENE PERRET
17/DEC/1986

She really is against her neighbors. She tore down her drapes and put
up iron curtains.

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Neighbors
Gene Perret
December 17, 1968
She slams her door so much -- every year her house is a foot and a half
closer to the street.

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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968

Even the newsboy won't go near her. He calls on the phone and reads
her the paper.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968

She brought a fierce German Shepherd to keep visitors away. But when
the dog saw how ferocious she was, he turned in his teeth and became
a missionary in a cat house. (or....in a home for wayward cats.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968

She's very spiteful. Have you ever had the cops come to your door and
tell you to stop snoring?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968
Her children are bad because they know that no one tells their mother. If
you say "I'm going to tell your mother on you," they say "How you going
to do it? in Pantomime?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968

Her husband can't figure out why nobody likes him. He spends a fortune
in mouthwash.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968

The only way mouthwash would help him is to fill a bathtub with it and
then drown her in it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Leon Marshall
29/JUL/1968

The old broad next door says she lives according to the good book.
Yeah, Peyton place!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEPT/1964

I've got a lot of silly neighbors.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEPT/1964

Newlyweds on one side.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEPT/1964

Boy, are they sickening.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEPT/1964

This couple next door are always kissing - it's enough to make you sick.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEPT/1964

He kisses her good bye in the morning like he was leaving for World
War III.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
unknown day/09/1964

I asked Fang - Why don't you do that?
He said: I haven't even met her.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
unknown

Electric fence around our house - we didn't build it --- the neighbors did
(I don't know why -- they're just normal, active children, with a pet
alligator.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Betsy Fatseas
09/JAN/1965

One of my dear neighbors (I call her deer because she's got antlers
growing out of her head.)

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Bernadine Pfeifer
09/02/1965

New neighbors moved in next door. Name's Doll. Ken and Barbie Doll.
They had a very unusual wedding trip. Went to the North Pole at the
height of the honeymoon season, the six months that it's dark.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
ORBEN GAGS
unknown day/04/1976

My neighbor just got back from staying at the Grand Hotel in Las Vegas,
and he was telling me this hotel is so posh, they have music in every
elevator. I said, "Lots of hotels have music in their elevators." He said,
"Live?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBOR
Orben Gags
unknown day/07/1977

I know it's time for school to start.
I just saw the neighbor's kid sharpening his switchblade.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
ORBEN GAGS
APR/1976
Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Someone told my neighbor's wife her
husband's philanderer. She said, "So what's wrong with collecting
stamps?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Orben
MAY/75
People who make home movies have no judgement. If my neighbor
spent two weeks in a nudist camp--he'd show you a slide of the hotel
with his room circled.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Orben
MAY/75
I was telling my wife how backward the town is. They even voted for
Calvin Coolidge. She said, "Lots of people voted for Calvin Coolidge." I
said, "Last year?"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Orben
10/MAY/1973

Kids are really amazing.
Like my neighborn's son. All day long he lays in bed with a bottle in his
mouth burping. What makes it so amazing is that he's 34.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
17/DEC/1970
I'll tell you what a lousy neighborhood I live in ... our zip code only has
one number.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Comedy Update
1977
I'm moving because of the guy upstairs and his flute playing. I don't mind
the music, but the snakes make me nervous.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
07/APR/1968

The neighbors used to complain about our fighting but now they like it.
Our picture window was sold out last year for the playoffs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968
Her house is in the middle of the street. She used to live on the corner,
but she got a fifteen house penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Gene Perret
17/DEC/1968
The kindest thing that ever came out her mouth was laryngitis.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Orben Gag
5/SEPT/1969
I always look forward to summer. That's when my neighbor returns my
snow shovel and borrows my hedge clippers.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. Joyce A. Massahos
25/AUG/1968
Fang loves the front yard because Mrs. Short - Shorts lives across the
street. His eyes are synchronized with her windows - when her shades
go up - so do his lids.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Leona W. Toppel
27/SEPT/1968
The local funeral parlor sent us a calendar which had printed on it the
phone numbers of the police department, the fire department and the
poison control center ... all of the numbers were wrong.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
June 1964

Garbage disposal unit in backwards--baby--I turned it on once? -- went
next door to get my neighbor to call the plumber -- I couldn't see to dial -
- she says: What an adorable hat! I said: You idiot -- That's the garbage
-- She said: You never looked better -- so she called the plumber -- I
talked

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1964
to him -- etc. etc. he arrived -- with his pants on backwards.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
UNKNOWN
Your Friendly Neighborhood Sex Maniac.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
P.K. Stein
8/JUL/1964
I wish their friends would get hair cuts so I could find out what they look
like.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
MRS. B. C. REYNOLDS
16/FEB/1965

MY NEIGHBOR IS VERY THRIFTY. SHE HAD SOME VEINS
REMOVED AND ASKED THE DOCTOR TO SAVE THEM SO SHE
COULD USE IT TO WRAP PACKAGES.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Charles W. Parker
16/FEB/1965
Fang fell in love with the girl next door - after we were married.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. B.C. Reynolds
16/FEB/1965

My neighbor's husband has such a rotten temper. They don't sleep
together because he complains she makes too much noise when she
closes her eyes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. B.C. Reynolds
16/FEB/1965
My neighbor walked into her husband's office and caught his sec'y biting
his ear. She said, "Honey, if you're that hungry, I'll bake you a pizza."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. B.C. Reynolds
16/FEB/1965

I asked my neighbor when she first detected her husband's bad temper.
It was during the wedding ceremony. After the minister asked if she
would take him to be her lawful wedded husband and she replied, "I do"
he got upset

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors -2-
16/FEB/1965
Mrs. B.C. Reynolds

because she didn't ask for his permission to speak!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Delaine Helwig
21/JUN/1967
When my kids were small and I was stuck at home, I used to get so tired
of looking at the four walls. So one afternoon I invited some of the
neighbors over for a few drinks. We had a good time but when they left I
was worse off than before - now I was looking at
[[underline]]eight[[/underline]] walls.

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Neighbors
Paul Altman
10/MAY/1965
My neighbor found it easy to stop smoking. He never had another
cigarette after he drowned in a lake.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Ople Hoffman
20/JUN/1967

Jane Libido was disguised as a black pussycat. Fang kept trying to get
her to cross his path.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Ed Diehl
09/FEB/1965

This is gag about being pregnant for the 3rd time and the busybody
neighbor asks you bluntly if you are going to have a baby. (Laugh and
say) "Hell no! I'm just carrying it for a friend."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Ed Diehl
09/FEB/1965

You and Fang have just bought new home in Webster, Mo., and
neighbor visits you. Neighbor says, "My what a lovely home you have
and what a beautiful vase that is on the mantel." You say - "Yes, that
contains my husband's ashes."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
- 2 -
Ed Diehl
09/FEB/1965

Neighbor says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know. How long has he been
dead?" You say, "He's not dead - just too lazy to find an ashtray."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Delaine Helwig
21/JUN/1967

You know my neighbor - Jane Libido the newlywed - better known as
Love in Bloom - they eat all their meals by candle light, even breakfast!
At first I thought it was terribly romantic, but now I realize she wouldn't
dare let him see what he is eating.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Delaine Helwig
21/Jun/1967
Joke

One day I was over there and she was mixing up some dind of a mess
in a bowl, and she started to cry. I asked her what was the matter and
she said, "This darn recipe calls for 1/4 teaspoon of salt, and I can't find
anything to cut the spoon with."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Delaine Helwig
21/JUN/1967
Like most newlyweds, she followed every recipe to a T. One night they
had to rush her husband to the hospital for removal of a tablespoon and
a measuring cup.

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NEIGHBORS
Delaine Helwig
21/JUN/1967
Many times I've been tempted to go over and give her a hand, but my
mother advised me against it, she said, "Remember, too many cooks
shouldn't throw stones."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Delaine Helwig
21/JUN/1967
Joe wasn't feeling too good so he went to the doctor. He came home
and told Jane he was on an ulcer diet. She said, "Oh dear, I don't know
how to fix them."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Charles W. Parker V.S.M.
11/JUN/1967
Wouldn't you know, the first day I drove in our new neighborhood I hit
the Welcome Wagon.

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NEIGHBORS
Delaine Helwig
21/JUN/1967
My neighbors insisted I was trying to hit their dogs and cats. The said
instead of a driver's license I should have a hunting license.

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NEIGHBORS
Betty Fatseas
20/JUL/1965
My neighbor treats me like a Simplicity Pattern with a piece missing.

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NEIGHBORS
Bill Daley
20/JUL/1966
Around ten, a big crowd of neighbors always comes over. But the police
keep them moving.

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Neighbors
Mrs. J. Hammond
28/MAR/1966
He embarrassed me to death the other day ... I sent him to borrow some
sugar from this disgustingly beautiful doll who lives next door ... so he
goes over and when he sees her, he blurts out ... "Mom wants to borrow
a cup of sweater."

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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Reynolds
28/JUN/1965
To prove what a pathological liar my neighbor is, she told me her mother
died years before she was born.

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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
She got bony fingers - knitting wicker.

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NEIGHBORS
Cornelia Montgomery
25/MAR/1966
She's not a gossip...she's THE gossip; she's counted the months from
wedding day to birthday so long, she can't remember what number
comes after 9!!!

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NEIGHBORS
Cornelia Montgomery
25/MAR/1966
One day, when I didn't get my usual quota of one phone call per quarter
hour from her, I rushed over to her house thinking (hoping) she'd kicked
the bucket..and found her strangling in her own grapevine.

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NEIGHBORS
R.L. Parker
24/MAR/1966
JANE AND JOE LIBIDO
Newlyweds moved into the neighborhood. Sometimes when he leaves
for work in the morning -- she waves goodbye from the front door - till
noon.

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NEIGHBORS
R.L. Parker
24/MAR/1966
The first time one of our neighbors saw her waving he waved back with
such gusto he started flying.

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NEIGHBORS
R.L. Parker
24/MAR/1966
Joe seems a little too anxious to tell Jane goodbye - he starts as soon
as he gets home at night.

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NEIGHBORS
R.L. Parker
24/MAR/1966
Jane and Joe first met on a train - it hit a cow...the impact threw her into
his berth. He thought it was a miracle - he'd just finished his prayers.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Bill Daley
20/Jul/1965
Our neighborhood is so dead, since I lost my liquor license.

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Neighbors
Shirlee Kurtz
18/Jan/1965

My reputation as a disorganized housewife started very simply. I was
heating wash water on top of the stove in a big rinse tub. Decided to
cook a soft boiled egg while waiting and was

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
-2-
Shirlee Kurtz
18/JAN/1965
just spooning it out of the rinse tub when a nosey neighbor stopped in.
She couldn't get out of there fast enough to spread the word.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Marc London
29/MAR/1965

There's this old broad in the neighborhood who's had her eye on him for
years. She has one eye.

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Neighbors
Mrs. Lillian Daniels
29/MAR/1965

It's hopeless! I washed my wig and stuck it up on a post in the yard to
dry. Every neighbor that passed stopped by to chat with it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gags
11/APR/1967

I always know when my neighbor's dog is going to bite me. He puts salt
on my arm first.

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NEIGHBORS
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965
She's unbeatable at bridge. Last night when she bid her third grand
slam, I got so mad I doubled her. That shook her up. I was her partner.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Ople Hoffman
29/MAR/1965
My neighbor is so neat, she braids spaghetti.

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NEIGHBORS
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965
Fang doesn't pay any attention to her at all. He just goes on with his
work - washing windows, painting, cutting the grass - - her windows -
her grass!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Bill Daley
29/MAR/1965
I'll have to admit she does have a perfect figure. One day she was
walking around in her bikini and
almost caused an auto accident. I just missed her.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mary McBride
29/MAR/1965
Woman next door - Polly and she drinks - - in fact, she was the original
polly saturated fat.

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NEIGHBORS
Gladys Applegate
16/FEB/1965
I'm sick to death hearing about my neighbors and their kitchen floors you
can eat off! You can eat off my kitchen floor too - anytime - pop corn,
cereal, dog food, bacon!! It's all there!

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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gags
4/MAY/1966
Welcome Wagon

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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
29/MAR/1966
My neighbor likes to be different so she had the roof of her mouth
shingled.

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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
4/MAY/1966
Neighbor developed a fertilizer that grows apples as big as basket balls.
Now he's working on an insecticide that will kill a 4 lb. worm.

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NEIGHBORS
Larry DiGirolamo
29/MAR/1966
My neighbor is a young, sex maniac. Her name is Jane Libido, Libido....
She has towels marked "Nymph" and "Himph."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Francis X. Lambdin
29/MAR/1966
My neighbor has her faults, but she is generous. When new people
move into the neighborhood, she always offers to lend them a cup of
termites.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Dorothy Reynolds
28/JUN/1965
I washed my hair and wanted it dried in a hurry so I called my neighbor
over. I said, "Talk to my hair." She's so full of hot air, it dried in 10
minutes.

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Neighbors
Mary McBride
20/JUL/1965
My nosey neighbor - when her kid gets home from somebody's house,
you'd think he was an astronaut, the way he gets debriefed.

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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Reynolds
28/JUN/1965
If you could see my neighbor's figure you'd have to agree that her
recreation room should be called the "RUMP-PLUS" room.

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Neighbors
Dorothy Reynolds
28/JUN/1965
My neighbor is having plastic surgery on her navel. She bought a new
bikini and wants the navel moved to a less conspicuous place.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Reynolds
28/JUN/1965
The neighbors are celebrating their anniversary and I've been trying to
decide what to give them. Fang suggested sympathy.

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NEIGHBORS
Ople Hoffman
20/JUN/1967
Jane Libido is a clinging vine. Every man in the neighborhood thinks
he's a trellis.

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Neighbors
Betty Jane Thompson
20/MAR/1967
This is what I did with my ironing - I bundled it into a basket, covered it
with a blanket, attached a note that read "feed every four hours" and left
it on the church doorstep.

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NEIGHBORS
Betty Jane Thompson
20/MAR/1967
I left it on my neighbor's door but she brought it back. Said she took one
look at the dried out wrinkles and saw the resemblance to me.

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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
Unknown
You treat the community as if you were a tourist.

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NEIGHBORS
Ed O'Neill
9/JAN/1965
The real estate prices in my neighborhood are so high that if your get a
speck of dirt in your eye, you can sell it for $50.

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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Her mouth works long after her mind has stopped.

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NEIGHBORS
Robert M. Strozier, Jr.
1/AUG/1967
Her parakeet's always sitting on her shoulder and pecking her cheek.
She's the only woman in the neighborhood with seventeen dimples.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Robert M. Strozier, Jr.
1/AUG/1967
I used to be so shy I'd borrow sugar from my next door neighbor through
the want ads.

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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Reynolds
31/JUL/1967
The neighbors had another heated argument last night. He tried to throw
her in the furnace again.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Reynolds
31/JUL/1967
My neighbor wants everyone to know she once took ballet lessons. She
wears her watch around her ankle and makes a spectacle of herself
when she throws up her leg to check the time.

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NEIGHBORS
R. L. Parker
21/JUN/1967
Clean, clean, all day long -- I get so tired -- watching my neighbor clean.

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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Mrs. S. not very homeless (for hospitable).

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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
We bought a new chair and had to move to a better neighborhood.

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NEIGHBORS
Mabel Luckow
21/MAY/1965
Fang is so cheap, instead of buying window shades for our house, he
put our neighbors on their honor.

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NEIGHBORS
Mary Duclos
06/JUN/1965
My neighbor stopped in the other day, took a look around and said, I see
you've redecorated the kitchen. Why should I tell her the pressure
cooker exploded?

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Neighbors
Mary Duclos
6/JUN/1965
My kitchen is a conversation piece - All the neighbors do is talk about it.

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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Reynolds
6/JUN/1965
My neighbor likes everyone to think she is on first name terms with
anyone who is prominent. When she went to the Inaugural she told
everyone, "When I'm in George, D.C. I plan to visit the Abraham
Memorial.

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Neighbors
Dorothy Reynolds
01/JUN/1965
Ever since my neighbor had the lead in the Senior play she is so
dramatic.  I heard her calling "Farewell. Goodbye. You were magnificent
and I shall never forget you gentlemen!" All they did was clean out her
sewer.

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Neighbors
Dorothy Reynolds
1/JUN/1965
We went with the neighbors to a football game.  All afternoon her
husband is hitting the bottle.  He insists on driving home.  After we hit 2
telephone poles, run over 6 lawns and knocked over a

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Dorothy Reynolds
1/JUN/1965
signal light we finally arrived in our driveway.  Super he says.  "I'll say
one thing for him.  He does have a marvelous sense of direction."

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Neighbors
Elaine Piye
9/FEB/1965
When taking trash out, drop in next door and say: "I was just taking out
the trash and though of you so I ran over for a minute."

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NEIGHBORS
R. L. Parker
21/JUN/1967
My next door neighbor is such a gossip - she can absorb 37% more dirt
than the leading detergent.

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Neighbors
Bill Daley
27/Sep/1967

I'm so discouraged tonight.  Our neighborhood had a scrap drive and
somebody took the house.

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Neighbors
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
16/Feb/1965

The neighbor with the rotten temper came over.  I knew he was going to
cause trouble when he put his spear in the umbrella rack!

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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Solid glass house - she has to go next door to undress.

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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
She was so refined - everyone calls her Loudmouth.

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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
Nov/1964

She's got a nine by twelve mouth.

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Neighbors
Ople Hoffman
20/June/1967

The neighbors call our front walk the warpath.

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NEIGHBORS
Mary McBride
10/MAY/1965
The new bride next door is so romantic she scrubs the floor by
candlelight.

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Neighbors
Ople Hoffman
1/Jun/1965

Jane Libido wears stretch pants so tight, she drives the car standing up.

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Neighbors
Mrs. Mabel Luckow
8/JUL/1968
The neighbors keep asking us if we're still moving in, or just moving out.
Dreamers!

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NEIGHBORS
Mary McBride
29/MAR/1965
This woman talks so much, she was quiet 3 minutes once and her
husband started giving her artificial respiration..

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Neighbors
Ople Hoffman
29/MAR/1965
My neighbor stares out the window so much, she wears out the glass
every 3 months.

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Neighbors
Eugene R. Perret
7/NOV/1967

The last cake I made fell.... into the
apartment below us.

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Neighbors
Eugene R. Perret
7/NOV/1967
The woman there called the police and
reported a flying tombstone.

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Neighbors
Dick Schweitzer
25/JAN/1965
If my eyes look tired - they are - new neighbors moved in across the
street today.

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Neighbors
Bill Guschl
18/JAN/1965
She's so cross-eyed, she can look
through a keyhole with both eyes
at the same time.

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Neighbors
Larry DiGirolamo
18/JAN/1965
Her bark is worse than her bite - I
keep hiding her teeth.

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Neighbors
June Cocka
10/MAY/1965
Everywhere our neighbor's kid goes, she takes her little brother. She
has to. Her bangs are so long, she can't see without his help.

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Neighbors
Bill Daley
27/SEP/1967
I'll have to say this for our neighbors...
Whenever they drive by, they stop to talk
to Fang. But he just lies there, on the
white line.

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Neighbors
H.W. Winkelman
16/JUL/1964

My neighbor thinks Fang's a high-brow
because he gets so wrapped up in the
newspaper. So does the garbage!

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Neighbors
Paul K. Stein
8/JUL/1964

I was very embarrassed today. I told a
fat neighbor to sit down and she had
been for ten minutes.

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Neighbors
Charlotte Holicker
20/JUN/1965
My neighbor, Jane Libido, was having an affair with a newspaper man,
but she  broke it off. She was afraid of getting syndicated.

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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Reynolds
01/JUN/1965
Ever since my neighbor had the lead in the senior play, she is so
dramatic. The other day I heard her say to some guy, "Why do you
come here when it only hurts us both? He replied, "I have to lady. I read
your gas meter."

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Neighbors
Mrs. Lillian Daniels
8/JUL/1964

I hate to sound Catty. All I'll say is -
one more warm day and she would have
Spoiled!

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NEIGHBORS
Marilyn Sclater
21/MAY/1965
I called up to get the dope - and sure enough, she answered.

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Neighbors
-1-
Violette Sealock
21/MAY/1965
We have a snob in our block.  She never speaks unless she wants
something then makes it sound like she's doing you a big favor.  When I
said I'd help with the PTA tea, she said, "That's divine of you Mrs. Driller!
Be a nice social

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NEIGHBORS
Violette Sealock
21/MAY/1965
-2-
experience too. It won't bee much out of my way to pick you up in the
Gad." I said: "Never mind, Flossie. I'll take the Blym."

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NEIGHBORS
Heloise Martin Allen
20/JUN/1965
She spends a lot of time in the kitchen - but she doesn't do any cooking.
That's where the phone is.

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NEIGHBORS
Donald O. Michau
04/SEP/1964
Our neighbors hate us... they call our place "The House of Commons!"

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NEIGHBORS
Leon Marshall
4/SEP/1964
My neighbor is so vain she even lies about her dog's age.

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NEIGHBORS
Sandy Early
09/OCT/1964
Neighbor has unusual names for her children. There was Vamp, Drack,
Jeckle, Hyde and Frank. I thought she made a mistake with Frank, but
the kid said it was only a nickname short for Frankenstein.

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NEIGHBORS
Paul K. Stein
08/SEP/1964
Goldie (the fat neighbor) rapped on Fargo's door to return a clothes line.
But Fargo (on the grape as usual) looked out and thought a mob had
come to lynch him and wouldn't open the door.  Believe me when you
see Goldie double she is a mob.

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Neighbors
Jerry Mayer
09/Oct/1964
Our neighbors down at the lake weren't the highest class people I ever
met.  They were always sitting around in their undershirts drinking beer -
and their husbands were obnoxious too.

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NEIGHBORS
Paul K. Stein
08/SEP/1964
New neighbors moved in last night in the old house across the street.
They seem strange with their black capes and pets. But Fang says lots
of people like large bats.

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Neighbors
Anne Barry Blagborne
9 OCT 1964
My ears were ringing so loud, it disturbed the neighbors.

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Neighbors
R. L. Parker
08/Sep/1964
We have this neighbor --- there are so many in the family that when they
come over, some of us have to go to their house.

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NEIGHBORS
Ellen K. Hildreth
16/OCT/1964
One morning the fellow across the street was mowing his lawn and I
went out to get the paper. He cut off his foot.

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NEIGHBORS
Jeanne Marking
24/OCT/1964
Then I had to take all this static from my neighbor next door who is a
great gardener.

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Neighbors
Gary Nardino
16/Oct/1964
A girl can't take too good care of herself, though - what with all the
hungry females on the prowl.  Like last night.  Fang and I were playing
cards with another couple.  The doorbell rang, so I go up to answer.  It
was Lucille Crain,

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Neighbors
Gary Nardino
16/Oct/1964
-2-
the neighborhood's latestmarriage dropout.  She hello-darlinged right
past me - over to the card table, and gushed: "Oh goody, two EXTRA
men."

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NEIGHBORS
R. L. Parker
16/OCT/1964
Fang had a head-on collision the other night - he ran into one of our
neighbors - who was also crawling home.

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Neighbors
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
24/OCT/1964
She telephoned and said, "Hey Phyllis, come on over.  I just made some
toll house cookies.  I went over to her house, had to pay a toll and then
she gave me one of her lousy cookies.

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NEIGHBORS
R. L. Parker
24/OCT/1964
Our neighborhood garden club meets once a month - we trade dirt.

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NEIGHBORS
Bill F. Guschl
24/OCT/1964
My neighbor donates blood to the red cross; it tests 90 proof, the one
who gets it is drunk for 3 days.

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NEIGHBORS
Ray Rieves
16/OCT/1964
I once lived next door to a vet. You could tell he'd been around dogs
most of his life. After dinner he wouldn't put the scraps in the disposal ...
he would take them out in the yard and bury them.

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NEIGHBORS
Charlotte Holicker
20/JUN/1965
Jane Libido, my neighbor came over to chew the fat - she bit my mother-
in-law.

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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Reynolds
21/MAY/1965
My neighbor came in with so much rouge and paint on her face, I
thought she was going to a tribal rites. It had me worried because we
are insured against everything except a tomahawk attack.

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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Reynolds
06/JUN/1965
My neighbor never lets anything go to waste. When they take the car to
a car wash she walks behind it and takes a shower.

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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Reynolds
06/JUN/1965
Once section is really uppercrust!  This nervous little group is so afraid
of an outsider moving in - at night they park their cars in a circle.

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Neighbors
Dorothy Reynolds
06/Jun/1965
We had a neighbor who couldn't stand her husband's snoring.   So she
plugged his nostrils with putty.  He doesn't snore anymore, or anything.

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Neighbors
Tom Streissguth
01/Jun/1965
But the neighbors were so friendly, the first day I heard this knocking at
the door, it was a big iron ball at the end of this crane.

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NEIGHBORS
Emily E. Miller
01/JUN/1965
Fang was sitting on the roof. I asked what he was doing there. He said,
"Waiting for the paper." This is where the newsboy always puts it.

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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Reynolds
01/JUN/1965
My neighbor's voice is so irritating it actually scratches my face when
she speaks to me.

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NEIGHBORS
Emily Miller
01/JUN/1965
I have a neighbor who is so big, we call her crowd.

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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Borrillo
01/JUN/1965
My next door neighbor has done her living room in French Provincial
and her dining room in Italian Provincial. To visit her you need a
passport.

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NEIGHBORS
Eugene R. Perret
23/JUL/1964
-1-
The first thing I do after breakfast is get the kids washed, dressed and
out of the house. And this is where I put my foot down. I won't stand for
any fooling around at this time because, let's face it, one wasted minute
here and the woman

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NEIGHBORS
Eugene R. Perret
23/JUL/1964
-2-
across the street may finish before you and send her kids over to your
house. One time they met in the middle of the street. I went out and
personally rigged a detour.

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Neighbors
Charles W. Parker
31 DEC 1964
Fang isn't talking to me. He invited the neighbors over for a drink and I
put anti-freeze in the ice cube trays.

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Neighbors
Leon Marshall
23 JUL 1964
I asked my neighbor how long her last maid was with her. She said:
"She never was. She was against me from the start."

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NEIGHBORS
Ray Rieves
23/JUL/1964
My neighbor is on a diet. Yesterday she borrowed a cup of saccharine.

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NEIGHBORS
ROY LOUVIERE
23/JUL/1964
Our next door neighbor is a stool pigeon.  He called Fang up and told
him I ran over him with the car.  Fang got all upset.  The guy said, "I
guess it's my fault.  I shouldn't have been out in the front yard."

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Neighbors
Mrs. Robert E. Dahl
16 JUL 1964
The neighbors call my living room The Dust Bowl.

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NEIGHBORS
Sonja Jory
16/JUL/1964
This neighborhood we moved into is so Ritzy, even the mice have
pedigrees. We have to put imported cheese in the traps.

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Neighbors
Harold Emery
16 OCT 1964
I just got back from our bridge club. It was pretty dull, all we did was play
cards.

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Neighbors
Harold Emery
16 OCT 1964
Nothing much to talk about. All the members were present. Usually the
dirt flies so thick, if you tossed a handful of flower seeds into the air,
they'd take root!

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NEIGHBORS
Harold Emery
16/OCT/1964
At the end, we play a game called chicken - I lost - I was the last one to
leave.

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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
23/JUL/1964
-1-
We used to live in a WASP neighborhood (White Anglo-Saxon
Protestants) and one evening a group of neighbors, gathered as a
cocktail party, were discussing the possibility of a negro family moving
into the community. One woman, especially

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NEIGHBORS                     -2-
MRS. B.C. REYNOLDS
23/JULY/1964

intolerant, declared in a shriek that she just didn't know what she'd ever
do if one moved next door to her place of residence.  My husband
remarked "Well, I wouldn't worry about it too much Ella. They'll get used
to you."

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Category: Neighbors
Leon Marshall
16 JUL 1964
My neighbor is an intellectual snob. She writes her grocery list in Latin.

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Neighbors
Leon Marshall
4 SEP 1964
I can't brag to the neighbors that Fang got a raise from $15,000 to
$20,000. They think he's making $25,000.

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Neighbors
Jean Farris
13 JUN 1964
These loudmouths are normally called neighbors!

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NEIGHBORS
Caroline La Fauci
4/SEP/1964
My neighbor won't speak to me anymore - I told her daughter to shut the
door and stay to hell out -- but I meant the refrigerator!

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NEIGHBORS
Caroline La Fauci
4/SEP/1964
My neighbor was showing off in her new bathing suit when her new
beach umbrella folded on her head.

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NEIGHBORS
TRUDY BLAKE
23/JUL/1964
I HAVE THIS ONE FRIEND THAT I'M A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT --
EVERY TIME WE MEET -- SHE RUSHES UP AND SHAKES MY
THROAT!

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NEIGHBORS
LEON MARSHALL
23/JUL/1964
MY NEIGHBOR AND HER BROTHER ARE IDENTICAL TWINS. HE'S
37 AND SHE'S 29.

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NEIGHBORS
LEE MACDONALD
04/SEP/1964
SHE USED TO LIVE JUST ACROSS THE STREET FROM OUR
DRIVEWAY... A TERRIBLE PLACE TO BUILD A HOUSE.

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NEIGHBORS
Ray Rieves
16/OCT/1964
My neighborhood is so exclusive ... we have an unlisted zip code.

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NEIGHBORS
GEORGE JAY BLOOM
24/OCT/1964
I KNEW MY NEIGHBOR WOULD BE THERE. SHE'S A BIG TALKER -
AT THE LAST PARTY SHE GOT INTO A FIGHT: IT TOOK 48
STITCHES TO CLOSE HER MOUTH.

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NEIGHBORS
GEORGE JAY BLOOM
24/OCT/1964
THERE'S BEEN A LOT WRITTEN ABOUT MORALS IN OUR
SUBURBS - ORGIES, DRINKING, CANNIBALISM, PARKING
PROBLEMS.

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NEIGHBORS
George Jay Bloom
24/OCT/1964
It's those clean livers who give the rest of us a bad name.

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NEIGHBORS
SALLIE BRISTOW
24/OCT/1964
I GOT ABSOLUTELY NO SLEEP LAST NIGHT, THE NEIGHBORS
KEPT ME AWAKE - I WAS WATCHING THEM.

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NEIGHBORS
Jeanne Marking
24/OCT/1964
When we were first married, we lived so close to our next door
neighbors - I could borrow a cup of sugar without leaving the house.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. B.C. Reynolds
24/OCT/1964
Our milk man used to be a paper boy.  He throws the delivery across the
lawn.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Helen Payne
24/OCT/1964
Our first visitor came over with her darling twins who immediately set fire
to my new dining room table.  Right after the firemen left, she suggested
I take care of them for the rest of the day.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Wilfred Beaver
31/OCT/1964
One of my girlfriends swears she has never been kissed by a man - you
can't really blame her for swearing - can you?

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
VIOLETTE I. SEALOCK
8/SEPT/1964

There's something sneaky about our neighbors.  They had one-way
glass put in their windows next to us.  Joke is, it's wrong side out!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Bob Besch
14 DEC 1964
My next door neighbor has a handbag made of bamboo, rattan and
straw. Very exotic. She bought it in Hawaii, and she lives in it! The
change purse converts into a hammock.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
BOB BESCH
14/DEC/1964
I DON'T LIKE SHORT, CHOPPED UP SPAGHETTI, BECAUSE IT'S
JUST NOT AUTHENTIC. SO I'VE BEEN MAKING MY OWN. YOU EAT
IT WITH A ROD AND REEL. I HAD A BATCH DRYING IN THE BACK
YARD, AND A NEIGHBOR HUNG HER WASH ON IT.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
14/DEC/1964

I suppose my neighbor was lovely in her day. It must have been her
nights that make her look so raunchy now.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Ople Hoffman
14 DEC 1964
The woman next door asked the Government to send a Peace Corps
volunteer to our house.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Albert T. Knudsen, Director
07/NOV/1964
-1-
Well, we finally bought our first house. Remember the song "I dreamt I
dwelled in _ marble halls?" Well my dear - we do: It's a mausoleum. But
it's real nice and we like it. There's only one trouble. We can't sleep
nights. You just wouldn't believe the way those cadavers carry on after
midnight. It does have one plus

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Albert T. Knudsen, Director
7/NOV/1964
-2-
feature, though - we're in an exclusive part of town and the neighbors
are quiet. (except on Halloween.)

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NEIGHBORS
Arnold Cox
7/Nov/1964
He gets up every morning - and coughs for 5 hours. No one in our
neighborhood has an alarm clock.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Charlotte Holicker
7 NOV 1964
A neighbor dropped in for a cup of coffee, so I washed one cup - I drank
out of a can.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Violette Sealock
7/NOV/1964
One way to keep ahead of the neighbors is - set your clock up an hour.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Roy Louviere
14/Dec/1963

The way people ridicule my driving makes me mad. The guy next door
called Fang and said, "Is your wife out of town?" I'd like to mow my
lawn."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Ray Rieves
17/NOV/1964
The woman next door has a French poodle.  She won't let anyone
around the dog unless they speak French.  She doesn't want the dog to
feel like a foreigner.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Martha Broadhurst
21/DEC/1964
I had the girls over for bridge last night - Did I have a time with the
thermostat! Half of them were anemic and the other half were having hot
flashes.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Margaret Newhouse
14/DEC/1964
My milkman is so rich - I left him a note and his secretary answered it.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Margaret Newhouse
14/Dec/1964

Our milkman has a sideline -- milk. He specializes in hi-ball glasses and
grape drink.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mabel Luckow
14/DEC/1964
We got some new neighbors.  They're so high brow they brought their
own mice.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
24/DEC/1964

The neighbors had their regular weekly brawl.  This morning they
patched things up.  The furniture, the wall, the windows.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Sharon Schulte
21/Dec/1964

The parents in our neighborhood organized a little group with the
interest of our kids at heart. We call ourselves gang busters.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Sharon Schulte
21/DEC/1964
Our suburb is a little short of funds.  I called the fire department and
nobody answered.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Borrillo
31/DEC/1964
All evening Fang kept saying, "You're not the same girl I married." The
idiot was talking to my neighbor!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Dorothy Borrillo
31/DEC/1964

She was too looped to know the difference.  When the Party broke up at
dawn, she packed him a lunch and sent him off the work. AND HE went!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Frank Lambjin
31/DEC/1964
My neighbor is a man who is a very sharp dresser. He makes his wife
wear a patch over one eye when she irons his shirts.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
P. K. Stein
31/Dec/1964

Goldie feels sorry for a mother flea, because she knows for sure her
kids will go to the dogs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Irving Cohen
31/DEC/1964

A nosey neighbor is someone who tries to find out the same things
about you that you've already found out about her.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
P. K. Stein
31/DEC/1964

Goldie (fat neighbor) and I went to a new small restaurant.  The
manager said, "I have boiled tongue, stewed kidney, and fried liver."
Goldie said, "Never mind your symptoms, what have you got to eat!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
31/DEC/1964
We had the neighbors over for a bar-b-q and she kept complaining
about the flies.  I said, "Since you're built like a cow, why don't you just
swish your tail.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
31/DEC/1964
My neighbor was telling me about her husband's terrible temper.  He
threw her bouquet after the wedding - while she was still clutching it!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mabel Luckow
31/DEC/1964
When we were first married, I asked a neighbor in for coffee. She
brought her own cup. It had a handle. I didn't know what it was.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mabel Luckow
21/DEC/1964
Our sewing circle is ready to start on our first stitches.  It took us our first
six meetings to thread our needles.  We drink a little.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
24/DEC/1964
People spend thousands of dollars traveling to Africa to see primitive
people. I just look over the fence at my neighbors.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
24/DEC/1964
My neighbor caught her husband kissing her secretary and she said,
"Well, I'm certain you will both have a lot in common -- like in the
cemetery when I shoot you both.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. B. C. Reynolds
24/DEC/1964
My neighbor received a phone call that her daughter was about to elope.
She dashed frantically into the church, yelling and screaming, "Stop the
wedding!" The minister said, "Tell that woman to shut up so I can finish
this funeral service!"

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Charles W. Parker
21/DEC/1964
If it weren't for Fang and me and the children we would be living in the
nicest neighborhood in town.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Joe Lucas
21/DEC/1964
I'm always telling Fang to leave well enough alone - that's what we call
our next door neighbor - well enough.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Evelyn Gimigliano
21/DEC/1964
Fang insisted he never even saw the blond next door.  I said, "That's
funny, because that's the 10th time in a row you've mowed the driveway.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Jack Borden-Mort Dean
16/DEC/1963
My neighbors legs are so big we call her trees. The other day I dropped
a cigarette near her foot and got a warning from Smokey the Bear.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Jack Borden-Mort Dean
16/DEC/1963
When her family wants pancake syrup she justs unhooks the pails from
her legs.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Jack Border-Mort Dean
December 16, 1963

She's the only person who gets her legs sprayed by the city.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Jack Borden-Mort Dean
16/DEC/1963
The last time she walked thru a puddle she grew 3 inches.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Jack Borden-Mort Dean
16/DEC/1963
We learned her age by sawing thru her leg & counting the rings.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Jack Borden-Mort Dean
16/DEC/1963
-6-
She doesn't catch poison oak... she causes it.

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NEIGHBORS
Jack Borden-Mort Dean
16/DEC/1963
She's the only one who dyes the roots..of her feet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Jack Borden-Mort Dean
16/DEC/1963
She still has scars from the time her husband took her to the
Woodchopper's Ball.

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NEIGHBORS
Jack Borden-Mort Dean
16/DEC/1963
-9-
She fell asleep in the park one day and some kid tried to carve his
initials in her ankle.

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NEIGHBORS
Jack Borden-Mort Dean
16/DEC/1963
-10-
Every time she crosses her legs a little pile of sawdust gathers at her
feet.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mabel Luckow
31/DEC/1964
One day my neighbor and I were gossiping.  We were saying the most
awful things about this one woman 'til we suddenly realized we were
talking about me.

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Neighbors
Phil Levine
21/Dec/1964
My neighbors are like the Europeans. They never return anything they
borrow.

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NEIGHBORS
P.K. Stein
31/DEC/1964

Goldie said her boy friend was held up on the way home last night. As a
matter of fact that's the only way he could have gotten home.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Marjorie Joyner
31/DEC/1964
I hate helpful neighbors. There was one, most helpful one.  She used to
use Psychology on me.  That's like trying to beat your husband to death
with a bag of marshmellows.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Leon Marshall
25/OCT/1963
Time really flies. I can remember when the little girl next door wore frilly,
organdy dresses. Now, she's a woman in blue jeans.

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Neighbors
Leon Marshall
25/Oct/1963

My neighbor is very petty. He keeps borrowing back everything I
borrowed from him.

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Neighbors
Shirlee C. Kurtz
27 DEC 1963
My neighbor has so many kids every time her hamper is empty, she
runs up a flag - (about every three months.)

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Neighbors
Mrs. O. Clarke Lado
27 DEC 1963
Shortly after I had given Thomas, our cat, a rub-down with flea powder,
a little neighbor girl came in for a visit. After stroking Thomas for a
moment, she exclaimed, "Oo, what a dusty cat!"

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Neighbors
Mary McBride
1/Nov/1963
Speaking of having wild kids--the next door neighbors were ready to
sell. Well, in fact, they were ready to give.

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NEIGHBORS
Mary McBride
1/NOV/1963
We really live in a high class neighborhood.  There's one lady that does
stereophonic yelling at her kids.

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NEIGHBORS
Leon Marshall
10/APR/1964
Children would all be brought up perfectly if families would just swap
kids. Everybody knows what to do with the neighbors' kids.

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NEIGHBORS
Jack Borden-Mort Dean
16/DEC/1963
Our neighborhood was so tough, my father had to operate a bookie joint
as a front for a candy store.

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Neighbors
Jack Borden-Mort Dean
16/Dec/1963

Our neighborhood was so tough that Ghandi came through wearing a
shoulder holster.

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Neighbors
Mary McBride
3/JAN/1964
The only thing my neighbor cares about is that her kids are polite.
Nothing else, just politeness.  One of her kids came in and said, "Gimme
that shovel to hit Harvey."  She said is that any way to ask.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Shirlee Kurtz
22/JAN/1964

My neighbor was called on to speak at our P.T.A. meeting but she'd
fallen asleep at the table.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Dick Schweitzer
31/JAN/1964
I won't say our neighbor is nosy but I saw her this morning with a
bandage on her nose - she got it caught in her venetian blind.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Nonnee Coan
23/APR/1964
I sent him next door to borrow a brush.  The beautiful Mrs. Jones must
have excited him.  He brought home a cup of sugar.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
R. L. Parker
30/Apr/1964

Every so often she sends over to borrow a cup of dirt.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Marjorie R. Simons
23/APR/1964
My neighbor is so neat. She wouldn't think of buying Swiss cheese. The
thought of putting anything on the table with holes in it. She'd patch it!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Mrs. Lillian Daniels
29/APR/1964
I wasn't always This Trim!  Oh No! -- I was fat!  Boy did I have a Spare
tire! -- I decided to get rid of it when a neighbor started to build an Ark! --
He thought I may have had a Vision and was wearing an Inner Tube!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
12/NOV/1963

Woman answering door with coat and hat over underwear so boring
neighbor wouldn't come in...offers to drive her.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Mrs. Lillian Daniels
29/Apr/1964

I felt bad enough when the pressure cooker blew up and pigs feet flew
out the door, but what really hurt was a neighbor who lives 2 blocks
away, knew right where to return them!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Charles W. Parker V.S.M.
30/Apr/1964

I have a neighbor who is always borrowing ... sugar, flour ... tea ... salt. I
finally had to shut her off. She wanted to borrow a cup of money.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
John W. Stiles
8/Apr/1964

One of my neighbors ate a package of ant food and went over the hill.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Marjorie R. Simons
8/Apr/1964

When I was a kid, the neighbors were always accusing my folks of
raising the devil...me.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Leon Marshall
27/May/1964

Never waste household scraps. Open the windows and let the neighbors
hear.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Larry DiGirolamo
2/Jun/1964

I finally got Billy's bicycle out of the driveway... now the neighbors are
complaining about Fang lying there.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Mrs. Vernon Bacon
2/Jun/1964

I made up a recipe for a cake in honor of my neighbors. It's called a
"neighbor cake." It contains nothing but nuts.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Mary Agnes Lidell
2/JUN/1964
I ran into her out in front of the house the other day.  She was out
dragging in her garbage can.  Mine comes when I whistle!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
N. E. Coan
13/JUN/1964
This week a neighbor called me over to see what my kid destroyed this
time. I went over and took a look but the harp looked perfectly good to
me. Until I found out it used to be a piano.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Bill Daley
10/JAN/1968
One of my neighbors came over last night and we exchanged recipes.
I'm trying to cook better... and she's trying to kill her husband.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
unknown
Shooting dog bit with neighbor -- she's so excitable - one shot brings her
-- it was her dog.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Smart kid next door -- performed a prefrontal-lobotomy on our dog - only
dog in the neighborhood who walks on his hands and meows.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1964
Everytime I visit the woman next door -- she sprays the room!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
MAY/1964
So many witches live in this neighborhood - There's a sign that says:
"Curb Your Cat."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
14/NOV/1963
There's no such thing as a good neighbor.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Our other son - Perry - this Xmas - we gave him an educational toy - a
rocket set - big mistake - the other day he put the kid next door into
orbit.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
This mother is livid - this family has lost $2000 worth of guitar lessons.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
And there's another thing - because of the time differential when this kid
gets back - he won't be born yet - and she isn't sure she wants to go
through it again.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1965
Grocery shopping in racoon coat - woman next door.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
AUG/1965
Kid next door.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Love thy neighbor.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
One day Fang mowed the lawn -- and I got three Get Well cards from
the neighbors.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Borrowing sugar -- she has 3 tons in her garage.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
JUL/1964
Woman neighbor -- knows what time your husband got in last night -- I
just happened to look out at 3:28 AM.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
I'd love to take a vacation - but the neighbors are using my luggage.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Shooting dog bit with neighbor - she's so excitable - 1 shot brings her - it
was her dog.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
My mink stole eloped with the cat - My mink stole eloped with the
neighbor's cat.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Neighbors quarreling -- May I suggest a duel.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
18/MAR/1966
The people across the street, Mr. and Mrs. Allen, have a dog named
Ethan.  Can you imagine that? A dog named Ethan Allen.  They have a
ten year old boy.  His name is Spot.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
29/MAR/1966
My neighbors have all received nice checks from the Government. The
Governor saw me on TV and declared our neighborhood a disaster
area.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
30/MAR/1966
The last time I used my swimming pool three neighbors reported a sea
serpent in the area.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Orben Gag
11/APR/1967
You've heard of baseball widows? We live next door to one. She hit her
husband with a bat!

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966
But the woman next door is a worse cook than I am ...she thinks you
start a New England boiled dinner by getting drunk in Boston.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
1/APR/1966

Her husband has had so many TV dinners he gets three channels on his
stomach.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

My kid evacuated a whole neighborhood - he has a chemistry set that
sends up black funnel shape clouds.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

The minute I try to dress like the woman next door, I'm in trouble - you
should see her.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

TV sketch - Two neighbors live in same building - never get to know
each other because everytime they meet they say How do you do,
discuss the weather, or ask about the family - the other way - every-time
they meet they continue a running conversation.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

I've got a lot of silly neighbors.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

Newlyweds on one side.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

Boy, are they sickening.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

You know Fang, my husband - our relationship has deteriorated - and it
was pretty loose right from the start.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
We wave good night.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Wearing gloves.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
This couple next door are always kissing - it's enough to make you sick.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
Sep/1964

He kisses her good buy in the morning like he was leaving for World
War III.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
I asked Fang - Why don't you do that? He said: I haven't even met her.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
Neighbors reported me for tying up one of my kids in the backyard - I
had to - I lost him 4 times in one week - and it was hard to find him - I
forgot what he looked like.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964
I called my neighbor - why don't you come over and sit on my stoop -
She said: I thought your husband was at work.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
Woman next door has a white kitchen floor - she's always on her knees -
I thought she was a religious fanatic.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
A neighbor of mine --------- Couldn't get the children to come home to
eat, so she blew the car horn.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
NOV/1964
-2-
They all came around and she fed them.  Now everytime they hear a car
horn, [[underlined]] they get [[/underlined]] hungry -

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
From your friendly neighborhood druggist -- my druggist is not friendly -
he's downright hostile and he's not even in the neighborhood.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
There are so many old witches in this neighborhood - it says, "Curb your
cat."

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
Malaprops neighbor - they're going to scrutinize my gubernatorial.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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NEIGHBORS
Phyllis Gag
FEB/1965
The other morning a neighbor was mowing his lawn - I came out for the
paper he --

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
JUN/1965

Grocery shopping in raccoon coat - woman next door.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04

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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
01/APR/1966

But the woman next door is a worse cook than I am ... she thinks you
start a New England boiled dinner by getting drunk in Boston.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04

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Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
11/JUL/1967

In our neighborhood - they come over and borrow a cup of chlorine for
the pool.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
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Neighbors
Orben Gag
02/AUG/1967

If you want to know precisely where your property ends and your
neighbor's begins -- watch him carefully the next time he cuts the grass.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Neighbors
Ray Rieves
16/JUL/1964

We once lived next door to a doctor. But I had to move. Everytime he
borrowed a cup of sugar he charged for a housecall.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

 

Neighbors
Phyllis Gag
SEP/1964

Only dog in the neighborhood who carries a keg of brandy -- for himself.

Phyllis Diller Gag File - Drawer No. 11, Part 2
Transcribed and Reviewed by Digital Volunteers
Extracted Mar-03-2017 05:44:04

Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History

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Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History
Smithsonian Institution Transcription Center, National Museum of American History